hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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