I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it glows. i had to have it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
