I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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