i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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