She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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