So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
