I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
