sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
