I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
