Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
