I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
