Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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