i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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