i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
