Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
