Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize