You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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