He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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