just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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