Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
