I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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