I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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