Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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