It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
