I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
