In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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