The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
