i can't believe i had my finger in that
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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