I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
