i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
