Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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