Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
