In the future we'll all be gay
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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