Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize