I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
