Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
