Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
