is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
