Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
