She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
