Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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