And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
