i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My bed smells like the plague
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
