he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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