i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
