Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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