I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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