wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize