I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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