Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize