Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
