You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
