Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
