Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
operation have a gay friend backfired
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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