Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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