How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
