Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He? As in you personified your dick?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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