I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
