Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
