some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize