I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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